i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
