The maid of honor just puked.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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