You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
