we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
