he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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