you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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