theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
