it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
