I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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