I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
