I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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