I didn't shave. On purpose
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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