Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
