I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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