Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
