I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
