I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
