So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
