Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
