When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
