so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
