i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
