I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
