i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I will pee on everything he values.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
