I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
