Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
