college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
