best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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