I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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