i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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