i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
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