Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
