It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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