That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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