oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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