Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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