Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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