So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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