My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
