I am puke
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
