toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Enjoy the penises
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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