dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
