Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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