What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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