I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
just tell him i said nine months
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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