boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
