Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
COCAINE IS GR8
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
