she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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