Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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