please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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