His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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