Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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